Pasta Puns – Derek and Peter

“Peter, don’t eat with your hands!” Sheila, the mother, commanded her son, who is eating spaghetti with his hands.

“But mom, I’m not stroganoff to use a fork.” Peter laughed.

“The real Peter would never admit to not being stroganoff…you must be an impasta!” Derek hopped on the pun train.

“You’ve lost your noodle!” Peter responded.

“I bet you paid a pretty penne for that one.” Derek said.

“No way, puns are a part of my daily rotini.” Peter said.

“You look as dough you’re coming up with these on the spot!”

James is shaking his head. “Would you guys cut it out?” He asked with shake of his head.

Wheat a minute, we’re not done yet!” Peter and Derek said at the same time.

“Here we go agrain.” James deadpanned.

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Terrible Tennis – Stella and James

Stella pranced onto the clay tennis court, dribbling the tennis ball in place on one side of the court.

James begrudgingly stepped to the other side of the court. He was forced to help his sister practice.

“Ready for this?” Stella shouted.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” James said half heartedly.

Stella served the ball forcefully. James ran after it but missed by a long shot.

“You’re supposed to hit the ball!” Stella said.

“Then hit it to me!” James retorted.

Stella served another ball, this one towards James. He swung after it but it bounced and hit him in the face, knocking his glasses off.

“That makes the score 30-love.” Said Stella.

“But you only scored twice? And what do you mean by ‘love?'” James questioned in confusion. He got to his knees in attempt to locate his glasses.

“Tennis scoring goes 15, 30, 40. And love means you have zero points.”

And out of seemingly nowhere, Peter ran by saying, “Guess that means James really does get a lot of love when it comes to girls!”

Stella cracked up and James, after returning his large white glasses to his face, began to walk away.

“Where’re you going? You still need to help me practice!” Stella shouted after him.

“To get a girlfriend.” James said simply.

Peter and Stella were beside themselves with laughter, falling to the clay court.

Do Not Press – Joe and Jim

Joe, an easily entertained and fun loving individual is walking along with his less than optimistic cohort Jim.

“Isn’t this an amazing day, Jim?” Joe said brightly.

“No.” Jim mumbled, wishing he were home in bed.

Along their walk they came across an odd looking statue of a woman wielding a hammer. Before it was a stone plaque with a big red button on it and a sign that read “Do Not Press”

“Look’it that!” Joe enthusiastically said, running over to the button in a humorous flailing fashion.

“Here we go again…” Jim bummed.

They stared at the button.

“It says donut press! It’ll give us donuts!” Joe said, pressing the button instantly.

“I don’t think that’s what it means.” Jim warned.

After he pressed the button the statue began to turn 180 degrees, rumbling the earth all around them. The statue, once stopped, dropped its hammer.

And then nothing else happened.

“Bummer.” Joe said in disappointment.

“Told you.” Jim said.

Then the statue crumbled and out from it donuts spewed by the dozens.

“Yes!!” Joe screamed of sheer excitement as he began stuffing his face.

“How did Jane get so lucky as to stay home?” Jim wondered, not at all amused.

The Daily Grind – Random Fiction 1

BUZZ! BUZZ! RING! RING!

Rusty cursed the thought of waking up before the sun had arisen. He slapped the off button on his alarm clock and pulled himself out of bed.

Without time to even eat breakfast, Rusty hopped into his car and ate a granola bar on his way to work. He had to force his eyes to stay open.

Arriving at work, he parked the car and entered into the building.

When his six hours of strenuous and boring work was finally behind him, he clocked out and began his trip back home.

“I think I’ll do something productive today.” Thought Rusty as he sits on his couch watching anime on Netflix.

Before long Rusty took a shower, shaved his hairy face, and laid out his work clothes, ready for tomorrow.

“I’ll do something productive after work tomorrow.” Said Rusty, finishing up his anime marathon.

BUZZ! BUZZ! RING! RING!

“Morning already…”

Rusty got dressed and drove to work. Once more doing his part at work until he could finally go home.

“I worked hard today. I’ll do something productive tomorrow.” Said Rusty, pulling up Netflix.

And though it only seemed like minutes, Rusty’s day was gone in a flash. He went about his before bed routine and got everything ready for work tomorrow.

BUZZ! BUZZ! RING! RING!

Rusty opened his eyes. He stared at the ceiling and thought to himself, “Adulting sucks.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dog Day – James and Derek

James threw the front door open and slammed it behind himself in great hurry.

His chest rose with every deep, stressed breath he took. He’s covered in mud and dirt and his clothes are filthy and torn.

“Have another run I’m with your biggest nemesis the dumpster?” Asked Derek, who’s sitting on the couch with his best friend Alexis (they are watching horror movies).

Alexis giggled.

“No!” James said. “There’s this stupid stray dog down the road and every time I walk by on the way home he attacks me.”

“It was bad enough when people bullied you but now even dogs are doing it.” Derek said.

“It’s getting really old and I’m running out of good clothes.” James sulked, collapsing on the couch beside Alexis.

“Have you tried keeping dog biscuits in your pocket?” Alexis asked.

“Yeah. Needless to say the walk home was quite breezy.” James stated, shuddering at the memory.

“I can take care of the problem.” Derek said as he stuffed his face with buttery popcorn.

“How?” Asked James.

“I can’t give away my dark secrets.” Derek stated. “Now leave us alone before you start crying in fear of the movie.”

The next day James, who has prepared himself for an attack by wearing several layers of winter coats, gloves, and more, began to walk the dreaded path that was home to the vicious large bulldog.

Ten steps in then danger zone and still nothing charging after him.

By the time James arrived at the house, he was pleasantly surprised that Derek was actually able to fend off that bulldog.

“Derek,” James began after stepping inside, “I can’t believe you actually — WHAT THE HECK IS THAT MONSTER DOING HERE?”

Derek is in the kitchen, making a milkshake and standing beside him is the exact bulldog that attacks James every day.

“That’s Stalker. He’s my new pet.” Derek said, petting the dog apparently named Stalker.

“…You’re joking, right?” Asked James.

“Why would I be joking?” Derek responded.

“You can’t bring a stray vicious dog in the house!” James said.

“He’s not vicious.” Derek pat Stalker’s head, then Stalker barked and rolled over for a belly rub.

James stared at Derek. “I’m not cleaning up after him.”

Summer Pool Fool – Derek, Peter, and James

“Wahoo!” Peter cried of joy after jumping off of the highest diving board and making a perfect sploosh.

“Told you it was awesome!” Derek said vigorously.

They gave a high five which only served to splash water in both of their eyes. They both shouted and desperately tried to rub the chlorine out.

“That’s why I wear goggles.” James said, floating next to them.

“James, you gotta try the highest diving board, it’s insane.” Peter said.

“I won’t even do the shortest diving board, what makes you think I’d do the highest?” James questioned.

“Come on Mr. Goggles. If you won’t go, we’ll take you there.” Derek said.

James protested non stop as his two older brothers took him by the arms and literally dragged him to the ladders and carried him up to the highest diving board.

They blocked the ladder so he was forced to jump if he wanted to get down.

“Only one way down, bro!” Peter laughed.

“I hate you guys.” James deadpanned.

“Love you too.” Derek said.

James gulped and peered down the edge of the diving board. He figured he shouldn’t be seeing three of the same pool.

“Do it before the sun burns you, we all know how sensitive your pale skin is!” Peter teased loudly.

“I hate you guys so much.” James repeated.

Standing with knobbly legs, James took a deep breath and loosened himself for a jump.

3, 2, 1…!

After only one jump, James lost his footing on the board and slid off, landing on the board below it which knocked the air out of him. He slid off that one and fell in the pool with a splash so small a sick chihuahua could’ve achieved greater than it.

The entire public pool erupted in laughter as James climbed out of the pool, wrapped a towel around his waist, and stormed toward his house.

Derek was still laughing even after Peter had settled.

“How long do you think it’ll take before he realizes he forgot something?” Derek asked Peter as he held up James’ sopping wet blue and white swim trunks.

“He’ll never swim again!” Peter laughed.

Slicing for Dummies – Guild Training II

“Swordsman,” Said Cedric, a rather small built man. He’s not short, his overall body mass is only small. “Give me your undivided attention, if you will.”

Every first year Swordsman brought their attention to Cedric, and through their initial expectation of him, they were sorely surprised. Most figured he’d be big and bulky, full of muscle and girth. Others thought him to be rugged and mean, like a pirate of the seas.

“That’s the legendary Captain Cedric we’ve been told about?” Questioned Anthony of Gem Guild. “Kind of a let down.”

“I kinda expected him to be, I dunno…more buff and handsome.” Shrugged Tina of Stone Guild.

“Guys, they do say big gifts come in small boxes.” Said Cole, a bit more optimistic than the rest of the first years.

“It’s packages, not boxes.” a second year named Gabe mentioned. “Nevertheless you three shouldn’t question Captain Cedric.”

“I wasn’t questioning him, merely a misconception of what I had thought he would be like.” Anthony said.

“Behold the practice dummies,” Cedric said, holding out his arm toward a line of wooden and stone practice dummies. “Using these bad boys you’ll practice some basic sword skills.”

A third year stepped up to one of the stone dummies, readied his stance, and within the blink of an eye he sliced across the dummy, effectively cutting clean through it’s left shoulder to its right leg.

Scattered applause sounded (as well as some female Swordsman giggling lovingly at his performance).

“And as Steven just demonstrated, with much practice, a swordsman can accomplish great things.” Said Cedric. “First and second years follow me.”

He led the group to an area surrounded with cloth dummies, each has a unique face drawn on their heads. Cedric chuckled. “Oh, Emmie.”

He turned to the group. “Your task is simple. Use the blade of your sword to cleanly remove the head of the dummy in one stroke.”

“That’s child’s play.” scoffed Anthony.

Cedric raised an amused brow. “Care to offer us a demonstration?” he asked.

Anthony, feeling big and proud, approached the cloth dummy and unsheathed his short bronze short sword. With all of his might he swung his blade toward the dummy.

The impact through Anthony off balance and he fell to the ground. His blade bounded after the first and second years. They all gasped, Tina cowered. The tip of the blade dug into the earth only a foot from Bay, to which he sighed of relief and passed out.

Cedric shook his head. “Moxie can only get you so far, Anthony. Who would like to try next?”

Tina had a swing at it. She was able to keep control of her stance as well as the sword, but the blade became lodged in the wooden neck of the dummy. “Oh, well that’s not good…”

“I just have to hit it hard…” Cole thought to himself. He approached the wooden dummy, which was staring at him with it’s crooked smile and badly drawn eyeballs.

It looked kind of freaky.

Grunting loudly, Cole swung at full force and whacked the dummy as hard as he could. After the neck remained intact he swung again. And again. And finally after the fourth swing, the neck tumbled to the ground.

“I-I did it!” Cole huffed.

“Nope.” Cedric said plainly.

“Whaddyou mean? I cut his head off!” Cole said, confused.

“No, you butchered his head off.” Cedric held the head of the dummy up. It’s wooden neck was as frayed as one could get a wooden neck to be. “Secondly, I said to do it in one stroke. It took you four.”

Cedric unsheathed his glorious silver blade. He came unto a group of dummies, and after a deep breath, cleanly cut all four of the dummies heads off swiftly. The cut was so clean that the wooden necks looked like they had been sanded.

“Wooow.” Said Tina with sparkles in her eyes.

Cole didn’t say anything. He was both astonished and felt out played.

“Big whoop. With that fancy blade of yours it shouldn’t be too tough to do it.” Anthony said.

With a motion of Cedric’s hand, all of the second years came unto a cloth dummy. All but one of the second years (the one being Bay,) cleanly and quickly cut the heads off of the dummies. They used bronze swords, just as the first years.

“I hit it as hard as I could,” Said Cole defensively, “but I wasn’t strong enough. It’s impossible.”

“Not if you do it right.” Cedric said. “You’re all relying on power too much. It’s about speed and precision, not how hard you can swing a blade.”

Tina finally freed her blade from the dummy. “But if you don’t hit it hard, than how could it possibly cut through?”

“Just trust me.” Cedric said.

Heeding his advice, Cole took his blade and approached another dummy. He swung fast and cut the arm off of it. “I got the arm!” he excitedly said, jumping up for joy.

“But he said cut the head off.” Anthony mentioned, giving it another try. Only he cut the lower half of the dummy, which made the entire thing fall on top of him.

Cole laughed and Tina giggled.

Tina tried once more and she cut the other arm off.

“Between the three of you, you’ve successfully cut everything except for the neck.” Cedric said, rather humored.

After many tried attempts, Cole was the first to successfully cut the head off of a dummy in one stroke. While not as clean of a cut, still a successful attempt.

“Very nice, Cole. Cut ninety-nine more heads off and you’ll be finished with practice.”

The three first years gasped in shock and surprise.

“NINETY-NINE? Are you mad?!” Tina suddenly shouted out.

Everybody except for Cole, Tina, and Anthony erupted in laughter.

“Just jesting,” laughed Cedric. “It’s recommended you fell five heads each, but regardless our training will be over in thirty minutes.

After recovering from the shock, the three began trying to fell dummy heads as quickly as they could.

By the thirty minute time up, Tina actually made it to the top with eight felled heads. Cole barely passed with five heads, while steamy Anthony only managed two heads.

Cedric blew into his whistle and said, “Excellent work, everyone! First years, be ready for more later today. Hey Bay, thank you for not mistaking anybody for a dummy this time.” He clapped his hands. “Training over!”